I wrote this yesterday:
Isn’t it strange how you can suddenly uncover yet another way in which your past affects your present?
I’ve just realised that a particular person still has more power over me than I thought. I say “still” because we have a very turbulent past of which I have so many painful memories; of being alienated, abused, crushed, defeated and broken-hearted. I was mentally beaten down to such very low depths. We are both older now, and we’ve become friendly. But today this person upset me and I realised that I am still afraid to stand up to them.
I mean, physically there is nothing stopping me. But emotionally it is a frightening prospect, because I know from past experience that it would be just as unpleasant and fruitless as it was trying to resolve our issues at the time they were happening. And those times were hell.
In that respect I guess this person has gotten me pretty well trained to take any crap they sling at me, right?
I want to express that I am upset. But I know the hurt I’ll feel, the guilt they’ll inflict, the impact on others caught in the middle. And I don’t want to hurt their feelings either. So I’d rather keep quiet.
I have no desire whatsoever to dig up the past with them. I’ll take the relationship we have now because at least its better than it was before. I can get upset in private, moan to a few friends, work through the emotions, write this blog, and clear the anger out of my system that way instead.
Here’s what’s interesting though: This morning, I did decide to talk about it.
Because I’ve grown up now. I can initiate an attempt to resolve problems in a calm, mature fashion.
I’ve also grown up to believe that we need to stand up for what’s right.
I got a fairly reasoned, fairly calm response. To my face anyway. Whether I uncovered the truth about this person’s motives or not, I don’t know. But I am glad I did it. Little ‘yay’ for me! J
I can count this as a little success for myself, because:
- I recognised I had a thought process based on fear, based on the past.
- I acted in spite of it, staying true to my morals and the person I am now.
- I got a better understanding of the situation that upset me yesterday, releasing my negative energy and my negative emotions towards that person.
- I learnt that whatever the emotions this person arouses in me, I have the power in me to resolve them.
This whole experience will leave its residue on me for a little bit, reliving painful memories always does. But I will go to bed feeling a little lighter. Emotionally that is … maybe not physically, as I intend to reward myself with a large slab of cheese and a piece of cake J