I’m so bored and under stimulated right now. I keep going on the internet every few minutes and that’s just on my work computer; on my mobile I can’t get through an entire minute without seeing if anything has happened on Facebook or checking whether anyone has emailed me. I’ve exhausted the celebrity gossip (even though I don’t want to support our culture of celebrity worship, I still get sucked in!), the culture pages, lifestyle pages, a google search of INFJ (my personality type), a google search of other people’s personality types, a google search of people I studied with… I am very bored indeed. And the worst part is that I was told we ‘may’ get let go at 3pm today…it is now 3.26pm the big boss man has fecked off skiing and forgotten about all of us sat here, post-end of tax year, dreaming of being on the outside.
If this was my perfect job I would be sitting in my own little studio surrounded by craft materials, paints and pieces of paper. Oh and puppies J I would be sketching a character or writing something. This would be something that somebody is going to pay me for.
What stops me committing to and working towards this dream? Well, mixed priorities for one. I’ve just moved in with my boyfriend and I love spending every evening talking with him, eating together and snuggling up. I have also joined a gym and I’m trying to find time to go 3 times a week. I’m rather enjoying it. Nothing wrong with that? Just means my focus is split. The bigger problem, I suppose, is the next issue…
Lack of confidence. Which leads to lack of drive, which is driven by lack of success in the past. My experience as an actress taught me that success in the arts is extremely hard, competitive and often unfair. I struggle to believe that anything I produce will be good enough (my naughty brain is quick to add “it hasn’t been so far”).
Lastly, I struggle to think up ideas. Or at least I tell myself I do. What’s more likely is that points 1 and 2 above prevent me from bothering to try, because if you’ve tried a few times already and you didn’t succeed, and you no longer believe you can succeed, why waste your time having ideas much less working on them?
Then I wonder: is it the wrong time to tackle the career thing? Am I in a ‘nesting’ phase and focusing on other, equally important things, such as enjoying my life for the first time in years? Enjoying such novel things as financial stability, trust and intimacy? I am not wrong to be taking my time to appreciate these new gifts in my life. I have laboured for too long under the belief that career is the main measure of ‘success’, when actually the bigger picture of ‘success’ is about inner peace, happiness and love.
But this wish for a fulfilling career is like an itch that won’t go away. A question which I can’t rest until I have the answer to! So if I want it I will have to put myself out there, front foot forward. No-one’s going to say ‘I know you haven’t gotten very far in your previous endeavours and that’s why you haven’t produced anything or don’t have any ideas, but I’m going to pay you anyway to have your own studio and produce something magical in your own time. Go”.
Although, could I produce anything good anyway? Can I pull something amazing out of the bag? I like to think so. This is only backed up by the voice I’ve always had in the back of my mind, telling me I have something special. Whether that belief was a coping mechanism I developed to deal with difficulties of my childhood, or whether its a gut instinct, I don’t know. I struggle to have blind faith the older I get. And that other factor, ‘luck’, in my experience has never been particularly forthcoming.
So then my choices seem to be: enjoy the ‘nesting’, space to think, make new discoveries about myself and about a world which has recently become more accessible to me. So far I have been happier than I have felt in years, healthier, content in myself and full of gratitude. Or, push myself, push for ideas, be disciplined, make goals, work hard. They are both positive scenarios so neither can be the wrong decision. One takes me down a comfy, gentle path. The other out of my comfort zone to fight for my place in the world, stare rejection down and dare to stake my claim. Sounds quite scary now I write it down. I can see why I choose the former!
Well I don’t have the answer yet. Intuitively I think I am going to keep snuggling for now J and naturally increase in confidence to the point I feel I have gifts to offer the world again, and I shouldn’t pressure myself in the meantime. I suppose the main thing is that success comes in many shapes and forms. If I get that career, then the moment I finally felt the confidence and belief in myself to achieve it will be a bigger success than the career itself.