Last week my Doctor confirmed the depression diagnosis. To assist, she gave me pills to help with my migraines and chronic insomnia, so on top of the hayfever pills and contraceptive pill that’s 4 pills and 4 squirts of nasal spray a day. My poor body is full of chemicals!
But I plan to recover without anti-depressants this time. I can do this. This time I have all my research behind me and the determination not to let myself go down like that again.
In the spirit of seeing depression as a transformation, yesterday lightning struck that I need a massive overhaul.
I was chatting with my hair stylist – she has been promoted, she has entered a few styling competitions and reached final stages, she is a vegetarian (like me) who invents healthy veggie-filled recipes even though she finishes work at 10pm, she avoids the TV and dedicates herself to drawing and painting.
I found myself asking her for tips – how does she have the energy, how does she find the creativity, how does she have the confidence? She is similar to what I think myself to be – creative, individual, ambitious, a healthy cook. Except, she actually is. I ceased to be some time ago. How long? I began to calculate…
I can link it back to my first round of depression in 2009. I stopped the anti-depressants and the NHS counselling stopped after a 6 week block. But I don’t think I have ever recovered.
Since then my acting dreams have died. I’ve been fired from jobs for lack of enthusiasm. I avoid seeing my friends. I don’t interact with people at work. My clothes are scruffy and ill-fitting because I’ve become so unhappy with my body I can’t find anything that makes me look nice and I can’t afford clothes anyway. Physically and spiritually I completely embody downtrodden and defeated.
I look at peers with money, clothes, entrepreneurial plans and I think “I wish that was me”. Yet they seem another breed – they’re the grown-ups, they’re the ones that can. Somewhere along the line I’ve discerned that I’m not in that group, I’m not clever or confident enough.
I’ve given up. I’ve got no energy anymore. Why? Because I’ve stopped hoping.
Why? Because hoping hurts. Because, obviously, things never go well for me. I always lose.
You know when you flip a coin, make a bet, guess a winner? I, who consider myself rather psychically attuned, always always always pick the loser. It’s a given, whoever I say will win, will lose. And I’ve just realised, maybe this is because I wire myself to think “I always lose” and thus I am attuned to losing rather than winning. So BIG important first step: teach myself “I ALWAYS WIN”.
Unfortunately my attempts to find a reasonably priced therapist have been unsuccessful. £125 per session is the lowest quote I’ve had and that was for a provisional (i.e. student or graduate) therapist. I know NHS resources are stretched so I accept they have to let you go once you’re not a threat to yourself. But the help a person needs is so far from over!!!
Who can help us??
Anyway. So I am determined to begin the overhaul. Baby steps with self-forgiveness at every step. I shall keep you posted.