Shining a light on the darkness

I read about a depression memoir named ‘Darkness Visible’ by William Styron. I felt inspired and eager to read it, but as I imagined what it would like to write an explicit, warts-and-all memoir of my own experience I felt terrified at the idea.

I realised my fear is this: if I think about it, it might come back.

Why fear this?

  • Because it’s uncontrollable and unpredictable, and it feels impossible to come out of once you’re in.  
  • You just want to lie in the dark and you can’t make yourself stand or undress or eat. The only impulse you have to obey is going to the toilet.  
  • You don’t want the night to come because it’s lonely and you lie hour after hour awake and restless, but you don’t want the morning to come either.  
  • You feel pain all the time. Nothing makes you happy.
  • You don’t want to see anyone. You feel you would have nothing to offer them if they saw you. You feel like a burden and an embarrassment and a failure of a daughter.  
  • You walk in front of a car and hope it will run you down. You hope you don’t wake up. 
  • You have no hope. 
  • You can’t escape.

I want to avoid thinking about it and talking about it, in case I somehow invite it back in.

Because I feel my recovery was a trick I pulled. I don’t understand how I beat it, I just got lucky and escaped, I slipped out the back door when its back was turned. And one day it might realise I duped it and come looking for me. 

Perhaps this is why I have bad dreams, nearly every night, that I am being chased and killed.

Bad things will happen in life, thus I can’t promise myself depression will never come back.

BUT… 

It’s good to confront the things that frighten you.

  • I remember that I got through it before.
  • This time I know the signs to look for.
  • I remember the first step I took to feel better, the second step, the third.
  • I remember who I turned to.
  • I remember the mass of positive experiences as a result of sticking around.
  • I was at the bottom, and I climbed up.

Whether you are suffering, or have suffered from depression – there is a reason for you to keep going. If you keep going, you will discover it.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Depression, Fears, Life, Naughty Brain, Self Development, Thinking, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s