If you have read my story, you will know about my difficult time last year and how it took a lot of solitude, inner reflection, learning, meditation and figuring things out to get me back on track. It could not have been any other way, that’s just how I roll.
As I continue in my path towards becoming America’s Next Top…oh wait, wrong path…as I continue in my path towards building a kick-ass life, it has come to my attention that there are friends of mine who have drifted away. Because, as they will tell it, I failed to maintain my bond with them.
I will willingly and openly hold my hands up: I have been selfish. It was a tough lesson for a person whom, if she were represented by a checklist would have big ticks next to ‘nice’, ‘kind’ and ‘doormat’, but learn it I did. For the first time, my needs came first. I had to lose my interest in other people, to a certain extent, because my energy was minimal and I needed it just to get me out of bed and get through the day. I did not see or speak to certain people for months, simply because I had nothing to offer them. I couldn’t be a good listener, a trusted advisor, an entertainer, a comedian, a drinking partner. Everything went into just continuing to breathe.
It makes me sad to see my friends hurt, rendered disinterested in me by my perceived lack of interest in them. However, I cannot regret my actions. For if I had not done them I would not be alive, simple as. And I think it has been to my benefit that I was forced to become a little more thoughtful towards my own needs.
So I am thinking today about those friends whom I have loved and lost. There are some I will fight to keep and some I will accept are gone. Some I have realised are not a good fit for me. One of the few email forwards I actually bothered to read put it nicely: friends are either for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
And to those friends who have stuck by me, I give my heartfelt thanks for your patience and for accepting the person I was and the person I am, and I make a pledge to you: I will give more of myself.